While there is an encouraging statement in the Talmud that “If one commits a sin and is ashamed of it, all their sins are forgiven (Berachot 12b), the reality is that shame alone is not enough to effect change, let alone to understand the import of what has happened. Teshuvah is a process, not a single event.

So, the next stage of Teshuvah, after recognising and owning up to the behaviour that we regret and wish to change, is to determine to mitigate its negative consequences, and to make changes to help us not repeat the action.

For transgressions against God, the Day of Atonement atones; but for transgression of one human being against another, the Day of Atonement does not atone until they have made peace with each other. (Yoma 8:9)

In the case of the one who has transgressed against another person – the next stage is to acknowledge and apologise to that person to try to mitigate the damage done to them, to try to make peace – a cold peace is enough, one doesn’t have to force a friendship where it is inappropriate or not wanted. If an item had been borrowed and lost or not returned, it must be returned or an equivalent amount paid to the one who loaned it.

The person who has been wronged is expected to try to accept the overtures towards peace – alongside the returned object or monetary offer if it is lost. But it is clear in the halacha that while acceptance of the apology and mitigation is a hoped for outcome, it may not necessarily happen. As Maimonides writes (MT Hilchot Teshuvah 2:10)

“It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, he should be easily pacified, but hard to anger. When the person who wronged him asks for forgiveness, he should forgive him with a complete heart and a willing spirit. Even if he aggravated and wronged him severely, he should not seek revenge or bear a grudge.”

But one cannot legislate for forgiveness. So tradition allows the regretful perpetrator of the sin to approach the victim of their sin three times in genuine apology. Should they still not be forgiven, the “case is closed”, their sin no longer a burden on their souls.

But they would hopefully be chastened and consider their future behaviour if they had caused so deep a hurt that the other person could not bring themselves to forgive